Like thinking I could be able to read this book without tearing at my own heartstrings.
Song Vibe Check:
"Mistakes" By: Jonas Blue & Paloma Faith
"Back To You" By: Selena Gomez
"I don't know you anymore" By: Eric Nam
"Thoughts aren't free."
The wiser thing should have been "feelings aren't free" because this book unpacks a lot of it and this heartbreaking journey cost me a piece of my heart.
I remember when I heard about this book and the good reviews that came with it, I told myself I'd read it because of course "First Love cuts the deepest" got me curious to see where it went. I thought I would be prepared to read the book because as much as books focusing on romance have me rooting for the characters, not many books make me ache like this one did. It's true when people say that you never forget your first love.
I sure haven't. But, as one would expect... some mistakes were definitely made when I thought I would be ready to read this book and to be in Ellis' shoes. The author does such a great job with the timeline that goes back and forth (most stories that do this annoy me a lot if not done correctly) but this one managed to not make it overwhelming and as the timeline that switched to the past inched closer to the current day where the book takes place, I admit that it was a clever move to show the love that honestly kinda reminds me of Jenny Han's books.
Short summary: Ellis who had a fallout with her first love, flees to another state to run away from it all just to be forced to go back to the place where it all began. But Ellis isn't the same girl anymore and neither is her first love, Easton.
The Longer Summary? Ellis Truman is not like the fancy girls in her school who are popular and confident. With a father who likes to get in trouble, a nearly absentee mother and being poor compared to her classmates, she finds refuge in the Albrey family who cares for her as if she were their own and where her path collides with Easton.
Easton, the guy that gets her in trouble when they're young and later, the first love that consumes her as she falls, crashes and burns after their fallout. Years later, her father is in prison, her mother is still a mess and Ellis has now graduated high school. But when Tucker, one of the Albrey brothers manages to convince Ellis to come back to their old home to celebrate his mother's birthday, part of her wants closure.
And another part of her wants to see if things might change for her and Easton who now has a new girlfriend. Will she be able to move on or will she fall again? Or perhaps, will things be different this time?
There's so many things I could say about this book and the characters. Like, young Ellis feeling humiliated by her richer classmates making me feel the anger at Sara who is COUGH COUGH Easton's current-ish girlfriend. OR the fact that young Ellis tried to steal candy from a store because she didn't have the money. The shyness and embarassment felt there had me relating to her and feeling anger for the people that took pity for her.
And let's be honest here. This book was infuriating in so many ways. Like, I read about Easton and he honestly DID NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL. Sure, he was intuitive and was a poet, and might have been a good lover in bed but THAT IS IT. I felt like there was more love with Tucker (who switched between girl crushes and guy crushes and I AM HERE FOR IT) who was always supportive and there for Ellis and hd I been in her shoes, I would have fallen for Tucker. He's my favorite character in the entire book and I see so many qualities that he has that reminds me of my own first love that made it a special connection for me. (In real life, my first love was closer to Tucker's personality with a bit of the mysteriousness that Easton had and was also an excellent writer. The ending? Now we're friends and go to the same college together.)
This book was still full of anger and there were so many times I was considering to drop the book and stay with the question of whether they got back or not because it started dragging at one point and it just seemed like a complaining dump for the second half. Not many important things happen other than a lot of DEJA VU, a lot of fighting, two random chapters on Easton and a rushed ending that felt like whiplash.
First love cuts deepest and while it isn't always because of the heartbreak, it can cut because it might take a long time to ever feel the crazy, intense feelings of falling again and really, the feeling of falling in love will never be like the first time because every time after the first will be different. Sometimes it will be fleeting and quick, like a breeze an in other occasions, it might feel chaotic and intense. Or maybe I'm dramatizing it.
But, it ends well, so if happy endings is what you're looking for... this is it. If you're going through heartbreak, this book will only make you cry more and if you thought you got over your first love and have moved on, this book will remind you of that it never truly is the case.
Either way, you're all warned.
Overall: 4/5 stars
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